Recognizing Nighttime Separation Anxiety in Babies
When the sun sets and night’s bedtime approaches, many parents find themselves in a difficult scenario: their baby is becoming clingy, teary and is fighting to sleep. This is a typical developmental phenomenon, referred to as baby separation anxiety at night, which peaks from 8 – 18 months but can begin as early as 4-5 months. The first step in understanding and addressing this natural developmental milestone is to acknowledge it in order to help your baby use kind and gentle approaches to get through it.
Separation anxiety is born out of your baby’s increased cognitive development – they now understand that you exist even when they can’t see you (object permanence), but they haven’t quite yet understood that separations are temporary. With the combination of this cognitive leap and their extreme attachment to you, you have the perfect storm for your baby to be distressed at night.
Indicators Your Baby Is Suffering From Nighttime Separation Anxiety
- Crying or screaming more when you leave the room
- Waking up often during the night looking for reassurance
- Clinging behaviors, especially at bedtime
- Difficulty self-soothing after night wakings
- Expressing discomfort and distress when placed in their crib.
According to research published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology, up to 50% babies experience some degree of separation anxiety during the 1st two years of life, making separation one of the most known sleep challenges parents encounter.
The 5 Simple Solutions for Nighttime Infant Separation Anxiety
1. Establish a Consistent and Relaxing Bedtime Routine
A consistent bedtime routine prior to sleeping provides security and sends the signal that it is time to go to sleep. A familiar sequence of events builds confidence, and alleviates anxiety around the transition to sleep.
How to make it work :
- Keep the bedtime routine short (less than 30 minutes) to avoid over tiredness
- Include 3-4 calming activities in your routine (bath, massage, book, lullaby)
- Use the same order every night, even when you travel for vacation
- Start the bedtime routine same time every night, to help regulate baby’s internal clock
Dr. Jodi Mindell’s research around sleep has concluded that babies with a consistent bedtime routine fall asleep 30% more quickly, and wakes less throughout the night.
2. Practice Gradual Departures and Returns
When parents say goodbye to their babies suddenly, it can be unsettling and babies can learn to distrust, as they have seen a parent leave (or that it is possible for parents to leave) but have not seen a parent return. Gradually leaves and returns may help to foster trust and security around departures and arrivals.
You can take a step-by-step approach to work toward longer and more gradual departures from your baby.
- Put your baby, who is drowsy but awake, in his/her crib
- Sit beside the crib and give gentle touches or pats.
- After your baby is settled (*staying next to the baby*), you can move your chair halfway across the room.
- After several nights (when your baby is comfortable), you can transition to the door frame.
- Finally, you can go just outside of the room and say good night (check-in, as needed).
This method, like the chair method/camping out, builds an awareness to your baby of separation and connection through a gradual process.
3. For Comfort, start a Transitional Object
Introducing a transitional object around 6 months of age, once it is safe to have things in the crib, can serve as a symbolic bridge between you and your baby,
Choosing a transitional object can be :
- A small breathable lovey with no removable parts
- A t-shirt with your scent (for babies 12 months or older).
- A special blanket (for toddlers 12 months plus).
- Stuffier with securely attached features (for older babies).
Research published in Infant Behavior and Development concluded that transitional objects significantly reduce separation distress and foster babies’ abilities to self-soothe.
4. Use White Noise and Familiar Scents
Environmental cues can create a womb-like, vertical space that keeps your baby feeling secure even when you aren’t there.
Setting up soothing environmental supports :
- White noise machine at 50-65 dBA to mimic womb sounds
- Diffused lavender (in the room, not the crib) improves infant sleep quality
- swaddle or sleep sack which provides some comforting pressure similar to being held (age-appropriate)
- Consist room temperature of comfort (68-72°F) to avoid discomfort that will worsen anxiety / distress
These sensory supports create a consistent sleep setting to help your baby feel secure and contained.
5. Use the “Peek-a-Boo” Method
The peek-a-boo method is a fun way to directly counter separation anxiety by reinforcing the idea that the separation is temporary, like the game.
How it works :
- Try to create brief separations when possible throughout each day using peek-a-boo
- Gradually increase the duration that you disappear and reappear
- Narrate when you leave: “Mommy is going to the kitchen, I’ll be right back!”
- Always return quickly and enthusiastically.
- Do this same idea at bedtime with quick check ins, gradually adding time between check ins.
With the peek-a-boo method you are helping your baby build confidence that you will always return, which helps create a foundation of trust for separation, especially at night.
Achieving Connection and Independence for Better Sleep
The purpose is not to shake your babies attachment to you but rather to help them experience confidence and security even when you are not around. Each of these gentle approaches honors the connection between you and your baby while slowly promoting the ability to sleep independently.
Keep in mind : It is likely that progress will be slow and your baby will have some good and some bad nights, particularly when the baby is going through developmental leaps, teething, or illness. Consistency and patience are necessary for long term change to improve separation anxiety at night.
Conclusion
Managing your baby’s nighttime separation anxiety will take time, awareness, and gentle techniques that respect your baby’s emotional requirements. Instead of eliminating your baby’s normal attachment, use these five strategies will turn bedtime from a stress filled time into a time for growth and connection. By using these baby joy tips on a regular basis, not only will you aid sleep for the whole family, but also your little one’s emotional development and security as well. And remember that this will pass, with your love they are capable of growing into a stable, confident little person – and will be able to rest peacefully knowing you are there.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age might baby separation anxiety at night start?
Separation anxiety usually starts at around 6-8 months, peaks at around 10-18 months and can show in various ways until age 3. In fact, some babies can show signs as early as 4-5 months when object permanence starts to develop.
Is it normal for a previously good sleeper to suddenly develop nighttime anxiety?
Yes, this is completely normal. Sleep regressions often coincide with developmental leaps and new awareness. A baby who previously slept well may suddenly protest separations once they develop a stronger sense of attachment and object permanence.
How do I know if my baby’s nighttime cry is separation anxiety or something else?
Separation anxiety is a crying response that gets worse when you leave and stops when you return and often comes with daytime cleanliness and fear of new people. If your baby is crying with you present, or there are other signs in addition such as fever or ear tugging, then consult with your pediatrician.
Will responding to my baby’s separation anxiety lead to poor sleep habits?
No, responsive parenting while your baby is experiencing an anxious time is helping build security, not dependence. The research shows babies who have emotional needs met consistently become independent more quickly than babies who are ignored.
How long does the nighttime separation anxiety phase last?
Typically, each developmental wave of separation anxiety lasts 2-4 weeks; some babies may experience this with greater intensity and longer duration. Most children will work through the majority of significant separation anxiety by 2-3 years.
Can I use a modified version of sleep training while my baby is experiencing separation anxiety?
Gentle sleep coaching methods that you are present for and crowd out slowly can work during separation anxiety. However, cry-it-out versions can exacerbate anxiety and should not be used during times of peak separation anxiety.
If my baby wakes at night crying due to separation anxiety, should I pick them up?
While providing some comfort through touch, voice or presence is something that can help your baby learn to sleep more independently in their own sleep space without necessarily picking up, you can also help build trust if your baby is in distress by shifting to pick them up to calm down before placing back down.
Can a night light help my baby with separation anxiety?
A soft, warm colored night light can be helpful for some babies over 12 months to help them feel safe. For younger babies, fully dark rooms are beneficial for sleep and promote better sleep hormones, while white noise offers auditory comfort.
My little one only wants me at bedtime. They won’t let my partner do bedtime routines. How can we share the bedtime responsibilities?
Over time, we can have my partner do parts of bedtime routine where I am present and then over time have my partner to do parts start to finish. Being steady during this process allows your baby to adjust to either parent giving bedtime support.
Can separation anxiety cause early wake times, too?
Yes, for many babies that experience separation anxiety, they may wake earlier than usual and have more trouble going back to sleep. As they become aware you are not there during the lighter sleep times in the morning, there tendency to panic increases.
Can my baby see me on a video monitor, or hear my voice on some recording, help?
For some older babies (12+ months), a video monitor that they can see you or hear a recording of yourself may increase their anxiety because you’re reminding them that you’re not physically there – certainly with the video monitor. Direct, graduated separation strategies generally work better.
How do I deal with nighttime separation anxiety while traveling or dealing with unfamiliar settings?
Bring familiar sleep elements (e.g., noise machine, lovey, sleep sack) and do your best to keep your “normal” bedtime routine. You could also explore room-sharing while you travel, and try to allow extra time for comforting your child before separations in new environments.
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